Hi, I’m Shani

NPR once called me a humor essayist, let’s go with that.

What I Actually Bought On Prime Day

What I Actually Bought On Prime Day

Pictured, my cat vocally judging the amount of money I spent on Amazon over the course of the last two days. She’ll soften up as soon as she realizes I don’t let assholes play in the empty boxes. After highlighting my shortlist of items every single woman should buy on Prime Day, I realized I already owned most of them, and needed to take this prime opportunity (I’m awful) to stock up on things I really need and use up often, because for 48 hours, they were really cheap. Below are ALL items that are either on their way to my apartment, or currently in use within my direct line of sight.

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Solving a problem.

Blackout Curtains: If you’ve ever been bored enough to watch my Instagram stories, you’ll know I’m having a bit of an issue with my windows. There are logistical concerns that prevent me from blocking out the blinding light of sunrise, I’ll leave it at that. On Prime Day, I bought some massively affordable blackout curtains that really need to be steamed to reach their full potential, but last night the effervescent glow of Bed Stuy activities did not affect me in the least. I bought mine in white, but you’ve got options. Also they come with velcro tie backs which are really convenient when you want to actually view the outdoors. Buy it on Amazon.

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Deal of the year, truly.

Trash Bags: I just bought 100 trash bags for like eight bucks, no one can tell me anything right now. Buy it on Amazon.

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Giant Beach Umbrella

Beach Umbrella: This is beautiful, but I’m actually peeved. I bought a beach umbrella on Monday, and by Tuesday the price had dropped by seven dollars. Am I wrong to feel swindled here? Now I have to evaluate whether seven dollars is worth venturing into the black hole of Amazon Customer Service. Is it even worth THEIR time, I wonder. Also, in my search terms, I specifically used the word “small.” Small beach umbrella. I did not receive a small beach umbrella. I could pole vault with this thing. Whatever, it’ll keep the sun at bay when I go the beach this weekend on literally the hottest day of the year because I’m a great planner, apparently. Buy it on Amazon.

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Absolutely vital.

Lint Rollers: Pay attention to me here. Not all lint rollers are alike. You might think you’re getting an amazing deal on an 8-pack, but those shits have like four sheets per roll and you’ve been had. If you have a pet, or maybe just hair, you need to have lint rollers around for convenience. I also use these to dust fabric items that are otherwise difficult to address, such as my headboard. Pet owners get it. Buy it on Amazon.

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This better be amazing.

Revlon One Step: Marissa Con Queso, this is your fault. My podcast guest Marissa Diaz also bought this item on Prime Day and posted an Instagram story about it. I’ve seen this thing everywhere, and I suppose Marissa was the gram that broke the camel’s back. It’s a brush and blow dryer in one, and since I have a hairstyle much in need of both volume and a round brush, I figured it couldn’t hurt. I am however massively skeptical of hair tools, and bet your ass I will return this thing if it does not deliver. I want to believe a drugstore brand is capable of creating a product worth internet fame, let’s roll the dice for $43 and find out. Buy it on Amazon.

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Under Door Thingy

Under-Door Thingy: This is a very fancy problem, but the cleaning service that mops my building’s hallways uses a cleanser that makes me gag. It wafts under my apartment door and permeates my world (along with various sounds any time a neighbor ventures into our communal space). I just feel like maybe my door is more for visual privacy than for keeping out offending sound and scent? I’m trying to find my own solution, I will report back. Buy it on Amazon.

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The only one you need.

Crystal Hot Sauce: You could throw away all of your other hot sauces (but maybe keep Valentina) and you’d be all set in terms of spicy goodness. Crystal is hands down my favorite hot sauce and while I’m still not sure if I actually got a Prime Day deal on my restock, I can confidently tell you I don’t care either way. The fact that this is casually kept on restaurant tables in New Orleans is reason enough to consider relocation. Buy it on Amazon

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