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Hi, I’m Shani

NPR once called me a humor essayist, let’s go with that.  

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Low Carb Everything "Bagel" Recipe

Low Carb Everything "Bagel" Recipe

I felt so guilty about using the word “bagel” to describe what I’ve just created that I disclaimed it through quotation marks in the headline above. After you make these, you’ll forgive me.

I’ve recently made a drastic reduction in my carbohydrate intake, motivated by a general craplike feeling and a curiosity regarding the sanity of people who don’t eat pasta. (I refuse to use the word diet. Fuck you, diet.) In digging around on the infopit that is the internet, I came across many, many takes on “bagels.” Below is my amalgamation of ingredients that, at the time, was my best estimation of how to make something that looked and tasted like a bagel using the ingredients present in my home. I think we can all agree I did well.

Ingredients:

IMG_4211.jpeg

That’s a good bake.

1 1/2 cups almond flour (I use Anthony’s)

3 tbsp coconut flour (I use a crap kind from FreshDirect but I hear this one is good)

3 tbsp flax meal (this stuff is really good to have around for vegan baking, you can make “flax eggs” which I was scared of at first but they work pretty damn well)

1 tsp baking powder

1/8 tsp baking soda (you probably only need one of these, not both, but I added baking powder meaning to add baking soda and then threw in some additional baking soda just for grins, and it worked)

hefty pinch of flaky salt (I use this , obviously, and I always get the pack of two because nothing is worse than running out of good salt and having to use some weird old shaker in the back of the cabinet)

*also, don’t be shy about how much salt is in a “pinch,” I find most low carb recipes online to be under-seasoned.

1 tbsp apple cider vinegar

5 eggs

Trader Joe’s Everything Bagel Seasoning (if you don’t own this yet what is actually wrong with you)

Directions:

Preheat oven to 350

Put all ingredients in a food processor, turn it on, then off when everything is mixed together. Real tough stuff here.

If you have a bagel mold, use it. If you don’t, spoon, scoop, or pipe the batter onto a greased or nonstick floppy thing cookie sheet. Season LIBERALLY with Everything Bagel Seasoning. Really go for it here, kids, who’s lookin?

Bake for 25 minutes. Let cool before slicing. Top with vegan cream cheese from Shelsky’s if you’re me. Top with any other kind of cream cheese if your body accommodates lactose, you lucky so-and-so.

*TIP: these “bagels” will not really spread out much or puff up in baking. The shape and thickness they go in the oven at is what you’ll come out with. I recommend creating a rather thick bagel shape, they are easier to cut.

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